Posting just for you, Y.

Oh my lord, I'm here.

So I guess if I don't run/exercise I don't blog? Suppose this makes sense. Since the last time we've chatted, I've been doing nothing of the sort! A few weeks ago after I blogged about being sick, I actually fell even sicker than before and ended up spending a week horizontally, writhing in sweaty sick pain, unsure of what the hell was going on. I was literally incapacitated for a few days and actually started to wonder if I had the death flu of the season. Fever, chills, body ache, no appetite. Instant diet, right? Ha.  I kid. No, I don't.... #vain.

Anyways, since that week, the recovery has been long and slow. Towards the end of the week of sickness, I was not getting any better and was actually getting more sick - high fever, lethargy, aches and pains. J insisted I go to urgent care the next Friday morning after having been sick over a week, and it took everything in me just to get my coat on over my 3 sweatshirts. I didn't even bother to pretend I was going to put on a bra. Besides, no one would ever notice. No one ever does! I left my hair as it was when I got out of bed, shoved my glasses on my face, picked off some eye crust and stumbled into the waiting room. Even signing in and providing my personal information seemed a great feat. The gal admitting me must have felt pity, and a little wariness as I leaned over the counter to catch my breath, and she kindly reassured me that she was almost done and that I could take a seat shortly. After what felt like 2 days (It was like, 20 minutes), I was called back and poked/prodded and tested for the flu.

Guess what? SURPRISE. No flu! I was just dying! Kidding.

After checking my vitals and looking in my ear and staring into my desperate, pathetic face, the doctor  prescribed antibiotics for what was suspected to be the most painful sinus infection, which explained the ongoing fever and debilitating headaches. I think I have unrealistic expectations of how medications work, because the five day antibiotics did not really seem to kick in until day 7. Yes, I realize antibiotics continue to work even after you've finished them all but I said I was unrealistic, remember? But at this point I had been gone from work for 7 working days, so I sucked it up, painfully pulled on some real pants #sweatpantslife and made my way to work that Monday. I was clearly not 100% but I managed to make it everyday, some days even on time. The headaches and sinus pain slowly dissipated but I was weak and had no energy. The mere thought of running sent me into a sweaty tailspin, so I decided to just push the idea of any physical activity out of my mind. Just walking down the street to get the mail was enough for one day. I ignored the fact that before this illness, I had been actually planning to train for a marathon. I kind of even forgot I had already run one in October, and I became the person who didn't care or pay attention to exercise/fitness. I deleted some instagram accounts that made me feel stressed or pressured or insecure about working out and "eating clean". I started to sleep earlier in the evening and found myself able to easily wake up early for work. I would come home from work with nary a stressful thought of trying to fit in a workout while dinner cooked, or shooing the kids into bed early so I could get ready for bed to set my alarm for 4am. I just stopped caring about it. I didn't run, didn't lift a weight, didn't even think about squats.

And you know, what? I have felt more relaxed in the last couple of weeks then I have in the last few years. I realize the stress of planning my runs and workouts, trying to make sure I hit a quota of miles or days exercised, was giving me more stress and less relief than I thought. I still love exercise and sweating and running with friends, but for now I need to take a break. My body and mind need to take a break. I need to stop trying to DO everything for a while and just enjoy the day. Eat dinner with my family, veg on the couch and watch some Food network. Sleep early. Do NOTHING. Imagine that.

I'm sure I won't feel this way forever, but for right now this works for me. We have a lot of personal things going on at home, and we are currently living in the midst of chaos as we prepare to put our house on the market. I've actually lost a few lbs since being sick, and instead of looking sickly and thin, I feel back to my normal self. No inflammation, no gut issues, better sleep. My pants don't look like my muscles are begging to be released. No more muffin top. I mean, ok. It's there a little but whatever, I've always had a pooch. Maybe it had to take being down for the count in order for me to realize what I was doing to my body? Maybe that's dramatic, but right now I feel more in control of myself physically than I have in years. Ironically, my mind is still a mess but I can blame that on moving and purging right? Omg throwing everything away. Tell me why I thought I needed to keep 10 empty Mizuno shoe boxes? WHY LINDA. WHY.

My new motto? TOSS TOSS TOSS.

Anyways, sorry for the bore. I won't be really blogging about anything requiring sweating except for the dump runs and trips to Goodwill. Not exciting for you but very therapeutic for me. I'm even up early n a Saturday to load the car with junk to donate. I'm sure I'll be back. I miss my running friends, I miss being able to lift heavy things. I just don't miss it enough to sacrifice the other things I've gained from it. Life ebbs and flows. I'll figure out a balance as I go.