When Change is Life

Time to move - out of house, out of home, out of here, to somewhere new.

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/misschanandaler

*bear with me, I have zero idea how Tumblr works. Who knows, I may be back here soon...

In case Tumblr blows up on me, here is my post:

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Just like Chandler Bing - What Does she DO.

It’s been so long. Like, so so long. I don’t really even know what to blog about anymore.

I used to run a lot. I just to lift weights. I used to be a pseudo vegetarian.  I completed The Whole 30. I even ran a marathon. 
I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a (lame?) friend. 

I am human. 

I’ve struggled over the last few years to really find peace with what anything I’ve chose to do. Everything I seem to want to tackle feels like a chore, a challenge, a mountain. Now I’m at a bit of a stalemate. I don’t work out regularly, my pants don’t fit anymore (ironically they didn’t even when I was exercising so *middle finger* to that), my body aches and my digestion is still off. Naturopaths, western medicine doctors, acupuncture, meditation, pills, powders, elixirs, blood tests. I’ve tried them all and I feel worse now than ever. Also I’m on the throes of moving, plus i commute about 3 hours a day which is starting to to really mentally and physically wear on me.

I think the latter part of the equation is really what is affecting me deeply. I want to be more present in what I do, and especially in my family life, and I find that I just can’t. 

I feel like I’m falling apart a bit. 

I listen to a lot of podcasts and read many blog posts and scroll through IG on my commute, and I wonder - would that be something I would/could do? Work from home; manage my own schedule? But then, expose myself and shamelessly plug myself? Could I/would I do that? Would anyone even care about an old and out of shape asian lady living out in the suburbs complaining about her stomach? 

I know. Wow, I’m selling it! 

I don’t have a lifestyle brand to sell to anyone, I don’t have perfect skin,  and sometimes I burn shit in the kitchen. I’m not in great shape and I    wear the same things every week. Why don’t we have more realistic people in our social media? This perpetuates the idea that social media is not real, but if we’re spending so much time trying to escape reality, are we really even living? I get it. Curated photos on Instagram are just more aesthetically pleasing and make us feel good, just  like movies with reaal pretty people. It’s an escape from reality but the truth is, you can’t live in fantasy forever. The movie ends after 120 minutes, you know. 

Because real life still happens. 




I often wonder how many people, if any, feel the same way to do. The escape from reality is what part of causes me anxiety. I want to find people with whom i can relate, in real life. No one can wake up and be perfect. Not even Ciara, whom I’ve seen in person and is the closest thing to perfection. Mmmkay?

Flaws, issues, hang ups - we’ve all got them, so why hide them? Eventually they come seeping out of the sides if that large curated portrait you’re using to cover up the junk hiding behind the walls. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I’m pretty jacked up but I’m sure I cannot surely be alone right?

My goal right is to figure out what would give me balance, peace of mind, satisfaction, contentment - all while just keeping it real. That’s all I really want. 

I used to live here: https://chanandalerbong.blogspot.com/

Posting just for you, Y.

Oh my lord, I'm here.

So I guess if I don't run/exercise I don't blog? Suppose this makes sense. Since the last time we've chatted, I've been doing nothing of the sort! A few weeks ago after I blogged about being sick, I actually fell even sicker than before and ended up spending a week horizontally, writhing in sweaty sick pain, unsure of what the hell was going on. I was literally incapacitated for a few days and actually started to wonder if I had the death flu of the season. Fever, chills, body ache, no appetite. Instant diet, right? Ha.  I kid. No, I don't.... #vain.

Anyways, since that week, the recovery has been long and slow. Towards the end of the week of sickness, I was not getting any better and was actually getting more sick - high fever, lethargy, aches and pains. J insisted I go to urgent care the next Friday morning after having been sick over a week, and it took everything in me just to get my coat on over my 3 sweatshirts. I didn't even bother to pretend I was going to put on a bra. Besides, no one would ever notice. No one ever does! I left my hair as it was when I got out of bed, shoved my glasses on my face, picked off some eye crust and stumbled into the waiting room. Even signing in and providing my personal information seemed a great feat. The gal admitting me must have felt pity, and a little wariness as I leaned over the counter to catch my breath, and she kindly reassured me that she was almost done and that I could take a seat shortly. After what felt like 2 days (It was like, 20 minutes), I was called back and poked/prodded and tested for the flu.

Guess what? SURPRISE. No flu! I was just dying! Kidding.

After checking my vitals and looking in my ear and staring into my desperate, pathetic face, the doctor  prescribed antibiotics for what was suspected to be the most painful sinus infection, which explained the ongoing fever and debilitating headaches. I think I have unrealistic expectations of how medications work, because the five day antibiotics did not really seem to kick in until day 7. Yes, I realize antibiotics continue to work even after you've finished them all but I said I was unrealistic, remember? But at this point I had been gone from work for 7 working days, so I sucked it up, painfully pulled on some real pants #sweatpantslife and made my way to work that Monday. I was clearly not 100% but I managed to make it everyday, some days even on time. The headaches and sinus pain slowly dissipated but I was weak and had no energy. The mere thought of running sent me into a sweaty tailspin, so I decided to just push the idea of any physical activity out of my mind. Just walking down the street to get the mail was enough for one day. I ignored the fact that before this illness, I had been actually planning to train for a marathon. I kind of even forgot I had already run one in October, and I became the person who didn't care or pay attention to exercise/fitness. I deleted some instagram accounts that made me feel stressed or pressured or insecure about working out and "eating clean". I started to sleep earlier in the evening and found myself able to easily wake up early for work. I would come home from work with nary a stressful thought of trying to fit in a workout while dinner cooked, or shooing the kids into bed early so I could get ready for bed to set my alarm for 4am. I just stopped caring about it. I didn't run, didn't lift a weight, didn't even think about squats.

And you know, what? I have felt more relaxed in the last couple of weeks then I have in the last few years. I realize the stress of planning my runs and workouts, trying to make sure I hit a quota of miles or days exercised, was giving me more stress and less relief than I thought. I still love exercise and sweating and running with friends, but for now I need to take a break. My body and mind need to take a break. I need to stop trying to DO everything for a while and just enjoy the day. Eat dinner with my family, veg on the couch and watch some Food network. Sleep early. Do NOTHING. Imagine that.

I'm sure I won't feel this way forever, but for right now this works for me. We have a lot of personal things going on at home, and we are currently living in the midst of chaos as we prepare to put our house on the market. I've actually lost a few lbs since being sick, and instead of looking sickly and thin, I feel back to my normal self. No inflammation, no gut issues, better sleep. My pants don't look like my muscles are begging to be released. No more muffin top. I mean, ok. It's there a little but whatever, I've always had a pooch. Maybe it had to take being down for the count in order for me to realize what I was doing to my body? Maybe that's dramatic, but right now I feel more in control of myself physically than I have in years. Ironically, my mind is still a mess but I can blame that on moving and purging right? Omg throwing everything away. Tell me why I thought I needed to keep 10 empty Mizuno shoe boxes? WHY LINDA. WHY.

My new motto? TOSS TOSS TOSS.

Anyways, sorry for the bore. I won't be really blogging about anything requiring sweating except for the dump runs and trips to Goodwill. Not exciting for you but very therapeutic for me. I'm even up early n a Saturday to load the car with junk to donate. I'm sure I'll be back. I miss my running friends, I miss being able to lift heavy things. I just don't miss it enough to sacrifice the other things I've gained from it. Life ebbs and flows. I'll figure out a balance as I go.

I am home, sick. Why not blog.

Sometime last year, the Blogger App on my phone stopped working. Then I noticed it wasn't available at all anymore in the App store. So, there went my convenient, "blog on the way to work "strategy. Since blogging now requires me to actually sit on front of a computer, I've been much less consistent or motivated to share much. However, since I am home sick today I figure, what the hell.

I haven't been this sick in a very long time. Yesterday I left work early, and barely made it home to crumple into a heap into my bed. I had some workouts planned for yesterday and today, but clearly they are not going to happen. As tempted as I am to try and fit one in - I'm home, after all! - I know this is a really stupid move on my part. My body needs rest. 

Listen to your body, Linda. Don't be a dummy.

However, up until yesterday I had been feeling pretty good. The last week or so had been a little frustrating on the digestion department though. I'm pretty sure I can track it back to some errant chia seeds in my overnight oats. I also haven't had oats in weeks, so I'm sure the combo of oats, chi, and some grated carrots was the perfect gut storm. 

In any case, I've been pretty uncomfortable all week, and I think my hormones are also at play here with my digestion. I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday, which I think may also have contributed to my feeling ill. She treated some new areas on my tummy and hands yesterday for my issues. I think sometimes treatments can exacerbate your symptoms before making them better? In any case, here I am - sick at home, greasy and hungry after having slept over 12 hours last night in my own sweat. Yeah, my life is full of the glamour.

**

I think I found a full marathon plan for the upcoming Rock n Roll Marathon. I need to tweak it a bit to fit in two solid days of strength, and at least one FULL rest day. My body is not a fan of high mileage, and I think I need to just be ok with that for now. While I felt strong during my last marathon cycle, I look back now and realize I was probably just a ball of inflammation. Everything always felt puffy, and I don't think I recovered well enough after my really tough runs. I have loose goals for this marathon, since it's J's first and I want him to be able to set the tone, so I'm going to just give myself a break this time around and try and take it a little easier. This may mean only 4 runs a week instead of 5, depending on how I'm feeling each week. I'll share the plan once I finalize the details.

In the meantime, I've been still doing my workouts and fitting in the miles when I can. I've been doing strength in the AM and running on the treadmill in the evenings, which right now seems much more doable than rolling out of bed before 4am to will my legs to move.

To stave off treadmill boredom, I've just been doing intervals after a very slow 1 mile warm up. Plus, I've been listening to podcasts instead of just zoning out on the tv and it somehow seems to make the miles go a little after? Just a little. 

1/9: Lower body workout. AM

1/10: Core

1/11: Upper body circuit. AM. 5 miles TM, pm.

1/12: 4 miles, TM. pm

1/13: Rest

1/14: Fit Test. HiiT

1/15: 6.33 miles, outside. Uneven number. WEIRD.

It's a new year, so why not...

I did something a little different this week.

Well. So, I was off from work on Monday, so I went out for 8 brisk miles at a 9:05 pace. The first few miles were dicey because parts of the roads were still slick with ice, but I ended with a 8:34 final mile, which lately feels like an Olympic performance effort.

Tuesday I woke up strangely sore but managed to fit in 3 easy treadmill miles and some deadlifts/squats.

OW. My legs.

OW.

Those two days weren't very different from my norm actually. That was pretty status quo.

So, my "what I did differently" was that I decided to take the plunge and actually pay real money for a workout plan. I found this peppy gal on Instagram, and her workouts seem to always pique my interest. It probably helps that she always has a smile on her face, which I normally consider to be annoying but on her it's totally adorable and endearing. Hmm, how do people even DO that anyways?

In any case, for $15 she offers a StrongHer workout plan for the month of January that is a mix of strength, body weight, and HIIT workouts. I was worried I wouldn't be able to incorporate this training into my running but so far it seems to be working ok. The first workout was on Wednesday, and initially when I read the description it seemed pretty easy, even for the intermediate level but HOLY SWEAT BALLS. It was pretty tough.

I do think I overdid it a bit with the leg workout on Tuesday, because I've been hobbling around like a 100 yr old grandma around these here parts, and Wednesday just brought more of the pain, but in the best way.

Thursday was a 6 mile run that felt Herculean in effort, even though it was much slower than Monday. I ended with the SH core workout, and a much needed hot shower. It's been really cold here!

Today I ended the week with a "not that easy" 5 mile slow run with my friend D, and then came home and did the prescribed HIIT workout for the week. Tomorrow will most def be a rest day, and then Monday we start again with another one of the StrongHer workouts.

So far so good. I'm hoping to see some (any?) changes and increase in strength over the weeks. If anything, it'll keep me from getting bored right?

Also, I'm working on a little base/strength building before I start training for marathon #2, which is in June.

Yes, I am like Britney.

Whoops, I did it again.

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1/2: 8 miles, 9:05 pace
1/3: 3 treadmill miles. Deadlifts and Back Squats. CRIPPLED
1/4: StrongHer bodyweight workout.
1/5: 6 miles, 9:28 pace. Core
1/6: Glorious rest
1/7: 5 easy (no) miles, HIIT workout.
1/8: Rest rest rest