Wednesday, June 14, 2017

When Change is Life

Time to move - out of house, out of home, out of here, to somewhere new.

*bear with me, I have zero idea how Tumblr works. Who knows, I may be back here soon...

In case Tumblr blows up on me, here is my post:


Just like Chandler Bing - What Does she DO.
It’s been so long. Like, so so long. I don’t really even know what to blog about anymore.

I used to run a lot. I just to lift weights. I used to be a pseudo vegetarian.  I completed The Whole 30. I even ran a marathon. 
I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a (lame?) friend. 

I am human. 

I’ve struggled over the last few years to really find peace with what anything I’ve chose to do. Everything I seem to want to tackle feels like a chore, a challenge, a mountain. Now I’m at a bit of a stalemate. I don’t work out regularly, my pants don’t fit anymore (ironically they didn’t even when I was exercising so *middle finger* to that), my body aches and my digestion is still off. Naturopaths, western medicine doctors, acupuncture, meditation, pills, powders, elixirs, blood tests. I’ve tried them all and I feel worse now than ever. Also I’m on the throes of moving, plus i commute about 3 hours a day which is starting to to really mentally and physically wear on me.

I think the latter part of the equation is really what is affecting me deeply. I want to be more present in what I do, and especially in my family life, and I find that I just can’t. 

I feel like I’m falling apart a bit. 

I listen to a lot of podcasts and read many blog posts and scroll through IG on my commute, and I wonder - would that be something I would/could do? Work from home; manage my own schedule? But then, expose myself and shamelessly plug myself? Could I/would I do that? Would anyone even care about an old and out of shape asian lady living out in the suburbs complaining about her stomach? 

I know. Wow, I’m selling it! 

I don’t have a lifestyle brand to sell to anyone, I don’t have perfect skin,  and sometimes I burn shit in the kitchen. I’m not in great shape and I    wear the same things every week. Why don’t we have more realistic people in our social media? This perpetuates the idea that social media is not real, but if we’re spending so much time trying to escape reality, are we really even living? I get it. Curated photos on Instagram are just more aesthetically pleasing and make us feel good, just  like movies with reaal pretty people. It’s an escape from reality but the truth is, you can’t live in fantasy forever. The movie ends after 120 minutes, you know. 

Because real life still happens. 

I often wonder how many people, if any, feel the same way to do. The escape from reality is what part of causes me anxiety. I want to find people with whom i can relate, in real life. No one can wake up and be perfect. Not even Ciara, whom I’ve seen in person and is the closest thing to perfection. Mmmkay?

Flaws, issues, hang ups - we’ve all got them, so why hide them? Eventually they come seeping out of the sides if that large curated portrait you’re using to cover up the junk hiding behind the walls. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I’m pretty jacked up but I’m sure I cannot surely be alone right?

My goal right is to figure out what would give me balance, peace of mind, satisfaction, contentment - all while just keeping it real. That’s all I really want.